Meditation through Gunfire

by Cashavelly

More than God

Are you humble? Can you admit

You want me more than God and will excuse it?

Who snorted me like white powder and

I disappeared bit by bit.

Did you know I want you to do it,

Rerun the love we were taught as children.

We thought this story played out and it already ended.

But it’s you and me on the floor trembling and addicted.

Yeah, it’s you and me on the floor trembling and addicted.

Are you humble? Can you admit

You drill my body out for a diamond?

I toss my dull, forgotten stones

And disappear bit by bit.

But it’s you and me on the floor trembling and addicted.

Yeah it’s you and me, thought we had this beat but we didn’t.

Did you know I want you to do it,

rerun the love we were taught as children?

To pull a snake from my own mouth and you’ll bite it.

But it’s you and me on the floor trembling and addicted.

Yeah it’s you and me, thought we had this beat but we didn’t.

But it’s you and me on the floor trembling and addicted.

Yeah it’s you and me, thought we had this beat but we didn’t.

Rewrite

You should know that I just wanted to have fun then leave.

My father said he made me

As if my mother was nothing.

I’ve spent my life shaming

The very love that made me,

In my mother’s hope of what my father would be

That he never could be.

Blooms she hoped he’d find in her to love that he left wilting.

Still in every single man, I go looking.

Look what I’ve done to myself and still doing.

In every single man, I go looking

To rewrite the same story.

Caught it as a kid like a disease

And wrote it like a script in my diary.

Stop the story mid-page and erase it all the way back to the beginning.

How many girls are like me?

So pleasing like a wedding.

The boy who dislikes me the most–

I made his favorite icecream,

Just to stay sleeping on his chest with his cat purring,

Who he prefers to me.

Still in every single man, I go looking.

Look what I’ve done to myself and still doing.

In every single man, I go looking

To rewrite the same story.

Caught it as a kid like a disease

And wrote it like a script in my diary.

Stop the story mid-page and erase it all the way back to the beginning.

He wants to eat all the cake.

Who do you think slaved all day

To ensure that cake was made?

Me, me, me!

Still in every single man, I go looking.

Look what I’ve done to myself and still doing.

In every single man, I go looking

To rewrite the same story.

Caught it as a kid like a disease

And wrote it like a script in my diary.

Stop the story mid-page and erase it all the way back to the beginning.

I wouldn’t treat a dog

The way he treats…

I wouldn’t treat a dog

The way he treats me.

The Queen

I finally tasted the apple I bit.

I ungripped the hand of the man who gave it.

I can eat all the seeds of my pomegranate

And then I’m the one who has been birthed from it.

He’ll get everything he wants but me.

That’s what makes me the queen.

Soft like a peony.

Move like milk, taste like cream.

Everything he wants but me.

Say nothing, take my leave.

I torch the guillotine.

Wear my crown, long live the queen.

Long live the queen.

I crawl on the table and upset the setting.

Wax drips from my candles like a swan preening.

I climb on the mantle and I skin my knees.

Girls all grow up to be the last untamed beasts.

He’ll get everything he wants but me.

That’s what makes me the queen.

Soft like a peony.

Move like milk, taste like cream.

Everything he wants but me.

Say nothing, take my leave.

I torch the guillotine.

Wear my crown, long live the queen.

I know the villains make the heroes in fables.

I want them fed but not at my table.

I’m the brod still humble like a beggar.

My tea dissolves my last bit of sugar.

There’s no truth where a queen is not.

My jewels are just faceted rocks.

I get everything I want.

He’ll get everything he wants but me.

That’s what makes me the queen.

Soft like a peony.

Move like milk, taste like cream.

Everything he wants but me.

Say nothing, take my leave.

I torch the guillotine.

Wear my crown, long live the queen.

Long live the queen.

The Fire

Fire rises under me, flames lick my cage.

I spread like gossip or a tumor in the brain.

I ride it like a freak and grind against my hand.

Just like you, it shows me just how strong I am.

I wanted you - you were mine to eat.

It’s time to burn your body.

The fire is mine - you can’t compete.

You severely underestimated me.

Molten steel drips, I’m no longer hemmed in.

The flames wrap my thighs and they wrench me open.

Enter me like lions freed from prison.

I throb and convulse as if I’ve been poisoned.

I wanted you - you were mine to eat.

It’s time to burn your body.

The fire is mine - you can’t compete.

You severely underestimated me.

You dared divide my divine from my mind,

Painting a picture of paradise on a knife.

My children tug my dress crying, asking why.

Now my fire is your only light.

I can’t save you from what you orchestrated.

It’s your turn to feel all the pain I did.

I promise you it gives what you always wanted–

All those nights you said all you want is freedom.

Flames search me with prying fingers

And burns up nets around my ribs and shoulders.

I moan like a whale without her ocean.

I straddle fire and ride hell into heaven.

I wanted you - you were mine to eat.

It’s time to burn your body.

The fire is mine - you can’t compete.

You severely underestimated me.

Meditation through Gunfire

These men think that they can be whole without the Mother

who they fuck, leave, repress, then replace with another.

I am Creator; I am Destroyer.

I am no other but they think that they are better.

You can’t walk on my back; you men are nothing without me.

So I’ll throw up my oceans and crack where you repulse me.

The soul inside her is your opener

That you discard because you think that it’s easier.

I’ll show you what’s easier

When you’re starving and cold with no water.

You could never reach the end of her

And the river is now a desert.

Kneel with your heart and listen

Until it breaks open.

Kneel with your heart and listen.

Your plans have to end.

Kneel with your heart and listen

Until it breaks open.

Kneel with your heart and listen

To the ache within.

I can keep up with you and I’m close to outrunning you.

If a killer’s in this world, he’s also you, no excuse.

You’ve sacrificed your mother mind–

Entitled to bind the land and to make it die.

Her mouth around your gun,

Swallowing your bullets one by one.

Through me, you’ve begun

To see the garden wasting in the sun.

Kneel with your heart and listen

Until it breaks open.

Kneel with your heart and listen.

Your plans have to end.

Kneel with your heart and listen

Until it breaks open.

Kneel with your heart and listen

to the ache.

Be embarrassed, make mistakes, and dream.

Be cursed, wicked and weak.

Be a failure, evil, broken, and lesser.

She’s free to love you as you wither

With the truth you give her–

That’s me your original mother,

That’s me.

Kneel with your heart and listen

Until it breaks open.

Kneel with your heart and listen.

Your plans have to end.

Kneel with your heart and listen

Until it breaks open.

Kneel with your heart and listen

To the ache within.

Prom

All a girl really needs is a diary and chewing gum

To turn hate into love.

Kicking our legs on our bedspread

And then we go to prom with our girlfriends.

Our music box only plays our song and can’t patrol

Everywhere we go.

We turn cement into a garden.

We get hitched to the land with our girlfriends.

Don’t you remember as a kid, hiding in closets

Or under a pile of blankets

For the thrill of not being found.

We have been waiting all this time to come out.

Now we’re it.

We can end this tug-of-war ‘cause we’ve done it before,

Crossed our hearts and swore to sing until we’re hoarse.

We dance in formation to contend

With anyone who messes with our girlfriends.

Don’t you remember as a kid, hiding in closets

Or under a pile of blankets

For the thrill of not being found.

We have been waiting all this time to come out.

Now we’re it.

Royal Blue

Remember you came to my show to make it known

That the war was over and overblown.

But you were there for the brunette in royal blue,

who you were conning into your next POW.

Well guess who saved her from you?

Guess who will always cock block you blue?

Guess who?

You gotta girlfriend - now you have to behave

To look like this time you’ve really changed.

She’ll spend years tasting your rancid kiss,

deciphering her intuition’s hieroglyphics.

Well guess who saved her from you?

Guess who will always cock block you blue?

Guess who?

We have all the evidence.

It’s clear who’s innocent.

We’re never gonna let it happen again

And you won’t get away with it.

Now you only keep your girls from out of town.

Truth’s a python that follows you around.

I know your girls are dying to ask me

Why they can’t get clean, vomiting on their knees.

Well guess who saved her from you?

Guess who will always cock block you blue?

Guess who?

This is what you get.

You can thank us when your soul gets what it wanted.

This is what you get.

You can thank us when your soul gets what it wanted.

Your Clue

Every storm tried to convince me not to love you.

Here I am, steady as the moon.

I’m an atmosphere asking nothing of you.

I can see you even when you’re out of view.

You drift by me like loose balloons.

What are you trying to get back to?

Back to no name for the sky’s hue?

When all was unknown and not confined to

Any word that binds us to proof.

Aren’t I your clue to the truth?

All my love is immune.

Try to destroy me, you will lose.

Aren’t I your clue to the truth?

You’re the ghost in the darkness I talk to.

You’re the pillow I cry into.

I give all of the love I have for you

To everyone as if I’ll die soon.

All is unknown and not confined to

Any word that binds us to proof?

Aren’t I your clue to the truth?

All my love is immune.

All we need to know in the darkness, Love is never fooled.

Your storms drowning me cannot doom.

What you cannot see or believe is still true.

My love will never leave you. I’m a galaxy of eternal fruit.

Aren’t I your clue to the truth?

All my love is immune.

Try to destroy me, you will lose.

Aren’t I your clue to the truth?

Part of Me Already a Ghost

You know where sand meets water,

Makes a line like a bedskirt ruffle,

Same as the outline of a cathedral.

On one side, my hips open to the sea.

On the other, my body’s my enemy.

There is no difference between God and making love to me.

Now sand’s falling to one end of this hourglass inside my bones

Nobody knows I made it home.

It’s like there’s a part of me already a ghost.

Look at me without my past,

back to my amniotic glass,

Before I was bit at the neck and ravaged by the pack.

You’ve never felt this kind of wet

That rusts the keel a ship can’t forget.

It cuts water like I was first cut by my flesh.

All the years I spent searching for a phantom limb to console.

Nobody knows I made it home.

It’s like there’s a part of me already a ghost.

I’ve opened so wide I’ll never close.

I found the embryo of a pearl

Known as a girl–

The soft center of the world.

I found the embryo of a pearl

Known as a girl–

The soft center of the world.

Nobody knows I made it home.

It’s like there’s a part of me already a ghost.

Nobody knows I made it home.

It’s like there’s a part of me already a ghost.

Already a ghost.

Lucky Duck

Maybe I’ll only eat with knives.

Maybe everything I swallow I’ll kill twice.

I’m not afraid of endings now.

Maybe I’ll burn your house down

And let those ashes fly,

I’d let those ashes fly.

I could slash your tires on both sides.

I could tell your best friend all your lies.

You’re a coward and a liar and deserve to die.

I could let my rage burn me alive.

But I can’t even hurt a fly.

My heart is pure love.

I love myself too much,

You, lucky duck, you

You, lucky duck, you,

You, lucky duck.

How can you still sleep in your bed

Where your tongue wrote fables between my legs.

How am I going to dig myself out

Of the grave where I’ve laid down.

Maybe I’ll drug all the girls you’re grooming and burn their bodies.

My heart is pure love.

I love myself too much,

You, lucky duck, you

You, lucky duck, you,

You, lucky duck.

You know I was porcelain

And did all I could do to bend.

And maybe I didn’t prevent the break so your hand

Could feel my sharpest edge before I left.

My heart’s been paying the price for that one offense.

What hell must you be paying for years, years, years of torment.

My heart is pure love.

I love myself too much,

You, lucky duck, you

You, lucky duck, you,

You, lucky duck.

Oyster

Will you shuck the oyster from its shell?

To find my naked iridescent wishing well

That shimmers like the mirrors on a carousel

And you go round and round as if you never knew hell.

You push back my hair, your face flushed with want

Lined like a roadmap but you’re a young gun.

You used to hate squirrels until you killed one.

You know enough to kill, so you know enough to love.

You’re a boy who crawls into a woman

And comes out a man on the other side.

You’re a boy who crawls into a woman

And comes out a man on the other side.

Are the walls of your heart scratched in red graffiti?

How can I love what you won’t show me?

I’m your surgery - there’s no time to rebel,

Like a diver low on air must choose only one shell.

You’re a boy who crawls into a woman

And comes out a man on the other side.

You’re a boy who crawls into a woman

And comes out a man on the other side.

You know I never met a man who didn’t bore with what came easy, what came easy.

You know I never met a man who didn’t bore with what came easy.

You know I’ve been killed more than once.

It’s why my love comes with the risk of blood.

Like facing a bull but you must not run.

Risk all I risk or it’s not enough.

Sugarcoat

How many fools are there?

He pretends to have honor,

While he makes her believe he’s in love with her,

When he couldn’t care less if he lost her.

Because there’s just another fool behind her,

Who will spend years getting over what he’s done to her

that he refuses to think about and wonder,

So she missed the doorway with her true lover.

One day he’ll be old with no character

And his skin will ache that someone please come near.

He’ll lose his hair and he’ll see how fast those girls don’t care

About him.

Still drinking, smoking, flirting,

Grown old and no women at his feet,

Who he made nothing.

Now he’s nothing but old and longing

For the man he was too scared to be,

Who could have stood next to me,

Brave enough to be seen

And held so tenderly

In the temple of my heart and body.

But within my Love, he was still hungry

For hook-ups cum drunk dumb numb and horny,

Just as long as it’s easy,

No vulnerability and none of Love’s sacred falling.

Simply a boy’s low vibration crawling, licking, and sucking,

Calling it freeing, calling it radical noncommitting,

But really it’s just Fear winning, really it’s just fear winning.

Your sugarcoat fooled me when I licked it.

The center tasted like perfume and ashes.

Boy, you steal the freewill of the moon.

She’d never touch you if she only knew

You’ve got a dozen girls stroking you.

Whispers behind his back that he’s a Fuck boy

And all his bros disturbed by who he’s taking home for his toy.

If he makes her cum, he thinks he paid the sum,

The sum of her heart and trauma.

All her hoping she’s not a body to exploit,

That he smiles in Love, not to be coy.

In the end, he’s just another boy confirming she’s a boy’s toy.

And she feels so confused and duped and wishing

She’d never filled his smile with her tongue

Because he touches without Love

And thinks it’s okay because it’s fun,

Just like men for centuries have done,

Using every cunt just the way they want.

Behind his back, she vomits bile,

tells her sisters he’s a coward.

He moves on just as high-powered.

She’s again devoured.

Sitting in the bath, she scours

as if soap can reach down to her heart that soured,

When he turned out to be, what she believed

he would never be, King of hypocrisy.

He’s looking for some holy grail—

A woman who simply bends to his will.

Does he have the strength to listen and not cast off or defend?

Simply take Truth and see what he can mend, like a responsible man.

He wants a doormat, not a woman, not a queen,

who reveals all the shit he pulls to avoid his soul’s highest will—

To be a man of love, to be a man of love.

Your sugarcoat fooled me when I licked it.

The center tasted like perfume and ashes.

Boy, you steal the freewill of the moon.

She’d never touch you if she only knew

You’ve got a dozen girls stroking you.

Girl, can you believe you’re so lonely—

As lonely as women have been for centuries?

Can you believe you’re so holy?

Can you believe no lost boy can destroy you?

Can you believe he’s just as holy?

Holy but half of him is wasting.

Ancestors

My mother was the genius in my house

Whose words were funneled through my father’s mouth.

His mother’s head was smashed in with a hammer

‘Cause my grandfather thought he could do better.

Then my mother’s mother finished last.

Her husband left her with two kids and never came back.

She has been crucified and she is the martyr,

But now her death has reversed my murder.

She gave me back everything that he took.

She gave me the pen so I’d write that book.

I measure her life against all my dreams

To face every devil and the devil in me,

To love my enemies.

Nothing can take her from me.

I think the grail everyone has searched for

Is every little girl playing on the floor,

Who’s blood comes from the one they named the whore.

No woman’s trusted like a jesus trusted her.

Gave her more power than an emperor,

Yet they wrote her like a side chick as if he didn’t love her.

She has been crucified and she is the martyr,

But now her death has reversed my murder.

She gave me back everything that he took.

She gave me the pen so I’d write that book.

I measure her life against all my dreams

To face every devil and the devil in me,

To love my enemies.

Nothing can take her from me.

None of it sits right with me. I can’t ignore

I had to replace my spine with a sword

To cut the monsters who came close with one touch,

Who for whatever reason hated love.

Someday when I’m gone, my granddaughter looks up.

She’ll think of me and do whatever the hell she wants.

She has been crucified and she is the martyr,

But now her death has reversed my murder.

She gave me back everything that he took.

She gave me the pen so I’d write that book.

I measure her life against all my dreams

To face every devil and the devil in me,

To love my enemies.

Nothing can take her from me.

Say No

Maybe I only loved who you pretended to be.

What does that say about me?

The man that I knew would at least talk to me.

How long must I feel this feeling?

I was the sculptor who shaped you how I wanted,

Opposite of who you have always been.

No one ever talks about a woman’s violence.

Sometimes I get why you lied and misled.

Say no, say no, say no to me.

I don’t know anything.

I’m not so innocent in how I’d react,

So you’d feed the hungry mouth of my mask.

Painted ruby red to disguise all my cracks.

Now you know how much I hate myself.

Say no, say no, say no to me.

I don’t know anything.

You found all my favorite dreams stashed under my bed.

Asked me why I thought I had to hide every one of them.

Now they’re scattered across the floor like they’re precious gems.

Each day I set them in gold. I mined them with your hands.

Say no, say no, say no to me.

Say no, say no, say no to me. [Your eyes glistened emerald green.]

I don’t know anything.

Say no, say no, say no to me. [My mirror to all I couldn’t see.]

Say no, say no, say no to me. [That who I thought was you, was me.]

I don’t know anything.

Sacred Color

You saw my sister’s face black and blue

In the photo last night I showed you.

You said you don’t know why men do what they do.

You couldn’t look me in the eye ‘cause you’re a man too.

Do you resent your heart has never been fed

By the love of a woman who isn’t wounded?

Can we play a game? I’m every woman and you’re every man.

Can we make love all night ‘

‘Til the hurt is soothed with your hands,

‘Til the hurt is soothed ‘cause you can.

I see it’s your war to give your love.

I lay down on the ground like an opened plum.

I give you my kiss. I give you my bite.

I’m an animal you track blood on snow to find.

Do you resent your heart has never been fed

By the love of a woman who isn’t wounded?

You mix me into a forbidden drink,

Proving the most sacred color is pink.

You mix me into a forbidden drink,

Proving the most sacred color is pink.

Can we play a game? I’m every woman and you’re every man.

Can we make love all night ‘

‘Til the hurt is soothed with your hands,

‘Til the hurt is soothed ‘cause you can.

Can we play a game? I’m every woman and you’re every man.

Can we make love all night ‘

‘Til the hurt is soothed with your hands,

‘Til the hurt is soothed ‘cause you can.

Be My Echo

Command the flow of my blood with one touch.

Nothing will flow if I don’t believe your love.

When you come back into the room, you bring a glass of water

And you make rings inside of me that ripple out forever.

And now I’m stroking your chest over me.

Your tears run down and paint my body.

I never wanted to have any other love story

Than for you to water my wasteland till it turns green.

I’ve seen your power,

The power of a man.

Show me that you understand.

Be my echo, be my echo.

Some want to cut me down to save one seed,

Harming themselves each time they injure me.

How long will you sit back and watch me turn into dust?

Make my pollen into your honey with your touch.

I’ve seen your power,

The power of a man.

Show me that you understand.

Be my echo, be my echo.

If you do not rise some of us will die.

If you do not rise and stand by my side,

I may die trying, fighting alone

And what we could make will never be known.

If you do not rise some of us will die.

If you do not rise and stand by my side,

I may die trying, fighting alone

And what we could make will never be known.